Wandering

I never thought that I could feel the way that was explained to me so many times in my life, through books, stories, movies, and life experiences. Telling no one why I feel this way and how, is almost impossible. But I stay silent. Instead, earphones are filling my ears with sweet symphonies, making my thoughts wander and my eyes stare up at the orange sky from the early morning. I can't remember the last time I had my back against cool grass, that shimmered green and yellow in the morning light, while letting my mind take control of my body. Everything seemed to wiggle out of the deepest parts of my mind, and onto the grass beside me. I felt relieved, but also scared. Scared that the truth would be in front of my eyes, and it wouldn't be what I wanted it to be. What is this? What are these thoughts? It's sad to think about the things in the past, through hurt and tears, that apply to your current life. Then you have to make a judgement. Judgement. Judging what could turn out different than the past memories, but that is more likely to turn out just the way it was before. I turn my head to the side, letting the blades of grass scrape my neck and cheek. I open my eyes to have my thoughts wander again. Memories flow, making it hard to control. I have been controlling them for far too long, so I let them take the reigns as I try to focus on what all the flashbacks are telling me. I realize they are not telling me anything, that they are showing me my weakness. My mind wanders back to the blades of grass that stay still. I wish I was more like a blade of grass. Bending and shaping to whatever is upon it. The only way to break it, would be to snap the blade. Interesting. The symphony stops, and the wind rushes around my body, filling every curve. Sweeping across me, and my memories are returned to their own corners of my mind. I stand up and start down the dirt path, while the sun still rises behind me.